And All That Could Have Been
by itsparkinson
Summary: Draco and Pansy have never had it easy, but they've always had each other.


Disclaimer Note: I don't own these characters, they belong to the lovely JKRowling and her wonderful mind. This is just my own thoughts on something that very well could have happened in their lives, based around the lyrics of And All That Could Have Been, by Nine Inch Nails. Enjoy.

**And All That Could Have Been**

The wind was blowing so hard it pulled tears from my eyes. They might have come on their own, but I can't be sure. I stared up at him desperately, his grey eyes dead in the half-light as the sun was falling behind the trees. I'd begged him to come back with me. He didn't have to go to this meeting, didn't have to be a part of this anymore. We could run away, couldn't we? Figure something out, hide from them and he wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. He told me I was being stupid, and honestly I was. Once you were a Death Eater, you never stop being a Death Eater. That mark on his pale forearm was there forever.

The wind blew snow up off the ground around us; it tore angrily at our clothes. He reached over tucked my hair behind my ear, holding it away from my face. And though the gesture was warm, somehow his eyes didn't match it. He didn't look at me like he used to. These past few months with the Death Eaters had changed him, the things he had been forced to do made him cold inside. I begged him again.

_Please come with me. Please don't do this, you don't have to do this._

We both knew he did. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a glass dragon, trying to make me take it from him. I knew what it was and refused to touch it, refused to leave him here. But his calm voice broke through my assertions. Please take this, and run away, he said. But how could I? I was shaking my head, I wouldn't do it. I couldn't leave him, not when I still felt like there was a chance I could save him.

But he was beyond saving and I was still being stupid.

* * *

_They were eight. She was invited over to the Manor to play and got him in trouble at home for coming back all covered in dirt, half soaked from splashing each other in the fountain, clutching feathers they'd stolen from the peacocks in the yard. His father never liked her because of it, but the two of them didn't care. They were inseparable._

_They were nine. It was Christmas and her family had gone over to the Manor for dinner. They all sat there together at the table, their mothers chatting and gossiping happily, their fathers exchanging sentences occasionally, mostly about Death Eater business. The two of them sat at the end of the table together, making faces at each other when no one else was looking, laughing behind their cups._

_They were ten. It was midnight in the summer and they were sneaking out, heading to the back of her garden to climb over the hedge, sit in the rock garden and stare up at the stars, falling asleep there and then trying to get back to their own homes in the morning before their parents discovered them missing._

* * *

She wouldn't listen to me. She never would listen to me. She was so stubborn, so stupid sometimes, and in a way I loved that about her. I couldn't work out why she would have risked following me here, to a Death Eater's home, standing out on his land trying to get me to go home with her. She knew better than that, I knew she did. She was just holding onto the hope I had lost long ago. I reached in my pocket for the portkey to give her.

_Please take this, and run away._

I was tainted. I was changed, corrupted, made cold to any emotion I had once felt. I knew I'd loved her once, deeply, but now it was hard to say. It was hard to love when you saw the absolute horror that went on with these people day in and day out. You worried what would happen if you loved someone and something went wrong, something happened to them. I couldn't take that thought, and so I recoiled within myself. I saw how it hurt her, but it was necessary. For her own sake and mine.

_The two of us were never meant to be. All these pieces, and promises, and left behinds..._

Something moved off to the side, the lights in the home coming on, the door opening. It was a long way off, but they were coming out to see what was holding me up. They couldn't see her here. I wouldn't let them. Her hands were on my cheeks, her fingers cold as ice and yet somehow, warm. She still wouldn't take the portkey, wouldn't touch it as if it were a cursed gem. Maybe it was to her.

I looked her in the eye, grabbing her wrist and putting the dragon in her hand by force. She begged me not to, begged me to come with her, but I only shook my head. She told me I wasn't really as callous as I was being, that there was still something left, she knew it, she had to believe that. I didn't answer her, afraid that she was right, even more afraid that she was wrong. I heard their voices in the house, the wind was carrying them toward us. They'd be out here in a matter of minutes, and if they saw her they wouldn't let her go, they'd make us pay for her following me here. I gave her face a long last look and stepped away, knowing the portkey was set to go in a moment, not sure when I would see her again. _If_ I would see her again. I hoped she wouldn't be stupid enough to throw it to the ground and let it go back home without her.

* * *

_They were eleven. They received their letters, went to Diagon Alley, got their books, their own wands, their own owls, met on the train and sat together, scared out of their wits and excited beyond measure, thrilled as they were sorted into the same house. Slytherin, those of cunning, power, success, they had such hopes for our futures._

_They were twelve. What they didn't tell anyone was that they were just as afraid as the Mudbloods, the accusations of him being the Heir of Slytherin terrifying her more than it should. He almost liked the rumors, the frightened looks he got from the Mudbloods, the way they almost acted like they respected him. This was the year he perfected his smirk, that smirk that put her weak at the knees in their later years._

_They were thirteen. He got punched in the nose and she tried not to laugh at him, and he got clawed by the hippogriff and she smiled and carried his book for him. Not a good year for his pride, but she'd do anything for him. He hardly noticed her anymore, though they were never far apart, she was never far from his side, and even when no one else would, she would listen to him._

_

* * *

_

He was walking away, leaving me standing there with the portkey in my hand, just waiting for it to take me away, far from him, leaving me at home to wait for him to get back. Clueless, sleepless. It was always like that. The sun was gone now, an odd grey light illuminating us, reflecting dully in his hopeless eyes. My fingers tightened around the dragon, waiting and torn between hoping it would get me out of there sooner so I could go and hide in the little parlor and wait for him to return, or hoping that it wouldn't work, that I wouldn't have to leave him at all. I watched his back as he moved away, my eyes widening as he stopped, paused, turned around and looked at me once more.

He was broken. Tired. But determined. He wouldn't let this beat him down any more than it already had, I could see it in his face. And yet I wondered how much it had already changed him, if there was any hope of what used to be, what we used to have, how he used to love me. Did he still feel the same? Could he? He walked toward me again, closing the space in a few quick steps and putting his hand on the back of my neck as pulled me close to him and kissed me. Passionate, hungry, desperate, as if he might never get to again.

* * *

_They were fourteen. They went to the Yule Ball together, he in his tails, she in her gown. They were handsome and beautiful, but it was afterward when they were at their best, after a run to the common room, their hair all disheveled and she kicking off her shoes, he pulling off his tie, the two of them collapsing onto the couch in the common room and laughing. That was the night she fell in love with him. They held onto each other the night Diggory died, the night the Dark Lord returned. He was afraid, she was scared out of her mind, and neither of them knew what this would mean for the future._

_They were fifteen. At their parents urging they joined the Inquisitorial Squad. It was stupid and they made fun of old toad face behind her back, but they spent a lot of time together because of it, so she couldn't complain. He liked the power, the way other students ran from him and listened to him, whether out of fear or respect he didn't care. They were arrogant in their youthful authority, thinking that maybe being a Death Eater wouldn't be so bad after all if it was something like this._

_They were sixteen. He laid his head in her lap on the train and she stroked his hair, he bragged about being chosen, she could only watch him in worry and pretend to be proud. It was an honor, in a way, though it was a test for him, and one he wasn't intended to pass. They both knew it, but he was confident and she would be there for him if she could. That is, until the night he fled the castle, the night their Headmaster died. She thought he'd done it and refused to eat or leave her room until she heard otherwise, her owls to him ignored for days until he could get back home._

_

* * *

_

I couldn't leave without doing it, at least once more. I held onto her, letting her soft hair weave between my fingers, pressing against her lips with every emotion I could still manage. I never wanted to let go, but they were coming closer and the portkey would leave any second now. I couldn't be touching her when it left or we'd have a whole mess of problems more crazy than we were already trying to deal with. Pulling away, I looked at her. She had tears in her big brown eyes, though she'd never have admitted it herself. She hated to cry, hated for anyone to see her cry. Said it was weakness. Truth was, I was jealous of her when she cried. It meant she was still human, still had the emotions I'd worked so hard to destroy in myself. My hand stayed there on her cheek a moment and she leaned into it gently. In my nothing, she was everything to me.

* * *

_And now they were twenty. Hogwarts had ended for them years ago, the real world arrived along with real problems and worries. They were hopelessly lost. Hopelessly in love. No idea what they were doing or how to make it work. They were forced to grow up much too quickly, to choose sides in something they should never have had to be a part of. But even now one thing hadn't changed: they were still inseparable._

_

* * *

_

I let my arms drop back to my sides, no longer touching her. A faint glow was radiating from the tiny glass dragon in her hand. There were only mere seconds left before she'd disappear from here, fly back to my house and I'd go on to the meeting, be put through whatever it was they were plotting for us to do this time, all the while wishing I was anywhere else, wishing I was anyone else. Mostly wishing I could be who she wanted me to be. We said nothing even as the glowing dragon grew brighter and she was whipped away from me, disappearing into the air and leaving me standing in the cold. No words of encouragement or longing, no promises of seeing each other soon or professions of love. No, happiness and peace of mind were never meant for me.


End file.
